THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
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I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
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Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
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