Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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