its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
