I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
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