so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
