God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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