I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Randomize
