i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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