I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
