The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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