The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
