you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
