My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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