Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
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