I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
