I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
