I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
