You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
