i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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