fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
