I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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