This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
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