I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
