So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
