Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
