Tell her she can't have a vagina
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
