I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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