trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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