I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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