i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
