I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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