I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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