everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Randomize