i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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