gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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