i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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