Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
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