Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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