I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
