the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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