Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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