i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
