Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
It's rum buckets o'clock
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
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