My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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