some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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