i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
