I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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