in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
