I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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