i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
