I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
