I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Sorry my hands just texted you
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
