Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
