i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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