I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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