I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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