you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
