I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
