I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
