She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
