well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
