Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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